How Secrets Affect Your Relationship
Secrets. We all have them.
Whether intentionally hidden or just simply unspoken, they are baked into the social contract of being human.
According to a 2023 national survey, 97% of people report holding at least one secret, and the average person carries about 13 at any given moment.
However, when does the unspoken thought turn from normal to malevolent?
I've asked myself that question ever since high school, when a friend begged me to hide her mother's alcoholism.
Three decades (and dozens of studies) later, the data echo what my gut felt back then:
Some secrets protect safety; others corrode it.
But how do you know the difference in your relationship?
Here's my promise: In the next few minutes, you'll learn 5 research-backed insights to navigate secrets in your relationship.
And if you continue through the series, you will know how to have a healthier, more fulfilling relationship through conscious, informed, and transparent communication.
In this series, we'll dive into:
How Secrets Affect Your Relationship (spoiler: even healthy relationships have secrets)
Are secrets normal or a sign of concern?
Why do we keep secrets from each other?
What are the most common secrets people keep from each other?
Is it ever okay to conceal _________ (infidelity, credit card debt, addiction, pornography) in a committed partnership?
The Hidden Cost of Secrets: How Secrets Impact Your Health (coming soon)
Privacy vs. Secrecy: The Paradox of Secrets in Your Relationship (coming soon)
Society’s Secrets: How Culture Affects Secret-Keeping (coming soon)
When Secrets Become a Problem: Red Flags and Self-Reflection (coming soon)
"We need to talk" Strategies: How to Come Clean to Your Partner (coming soon)
Ready to discover how secrets can strengthen or erode your relationship?
Let's do this.
What is a Secret?
First, let's get crystal on what we are even talking about.
When you think about secrets in relationships, I bet you imagine hidden affairs, burner phones, off-shore bank accounts, or damning family scandals.
The reality is far more nuanced (aka boring and benign).
What began in the 1980s as simply “not disclosing” something, it now evolved into seeing secrets as deliberate, effort-filled omissions that live between people.
And secrets don’t just affect the people you keep them from. Secrets cause damage to the secret holder, too.
Recent findings suggest there is an internal damaging effect of secrets happens when our minds keep wandering back to what we’re hiding.
This shift reframes a secret from a one-off act of silence to an ongoing mental burden that quietly siphons energy away from trust, intimacy, and even physical health.
But as we will discuss, not all secrets are harmful. Some are even born from love, protection, or the need for personal space. Keeping certain things to ourselves can be a sign of emotional maturity.
Now that we know what counts as a secret, let’s explore why we are driven to keep information hidden.
Why Do We Keep Secrets from Each Other?
Early humans had to strike a balance between cooperation and self-protection. Tasks like hunting large game, fending off predators, and foraging scarce resources were too much to handle alone. Only through coordination and trust could small bands of people survive unpredictable environments.
In small tribes, sharing too much could leave one vulnerable to exploitation. But sharing too little risked social ostracism.
To avoid being exploited or cheated in social situations, our minds adapted. Evolution refined our prefrontal and frontal cortex to flag a likely breach of trust, and then our limbic areas amplify feelings of distrust toward the individual in question.
This process is why even small betrayals can feel seismic in close relationships.
In short? Our instinct to conceal and uncover isn't random. It's wired into us. However, navigating it well means learning when silence serves as self-protection and when it erodes trust.
Okay, now we know why we lie.
Now let’s explore what we like to lie about and how often.
Enter the 38 most common categories.
The 38 Most Common Types of Secrets
Not only is secret-keeping a well-documented aspect of relationships, but the things we choose to keep secret are similar.
A report based on data from 2,000 U.S. adults found 38 distinct categories of secrets that people actively keep. The researcher asked a simple question: "What is a secret that you are currently keeping?"
Below are the 38 categories of secrets:
20. Inappropriate behavior at work or school
21. Poor performance at work or school
22. Pregnancy
23. Professional or work discontent
24. A planned marriage proposal
25. A planned surprise for someone
26. A hidden hobby or possession
27. A hidden current or past relationship
28. A family secret
29. Hidden current or past employment or school activity
30. Sexual orientation or gender identity
31. Sexual behavior (other than orientation)
32. Not having sex
33. A hidden preference or non-preference
34. A hidden belief (political, religious, social)
35. Finances (spending or savings)
36. An ambition, plan, or goal for yourself
37. Unusual or counter-normative behavior
38. A specific story you keep secret.
1. Hurt another person (emotionally or physically)
2. Physical self-harm
3. Illegal drug use or abuse of a legal drug
4. Habit or addiction (non-drug)
5. Theft
6. Something illegal (other than drugs or theft)
7. Abortion
8. A traumatic experience
9. A lie
10. A violation of someone’s trust
11. Romantic desire (while single)
12. Romantic discontent (being unhappy in a relationship)
13. Extra-relational thoughts (thoughts of adultery)
14. Emotional infidelity
15. Sexual infidelity
16. “Side piece” relationship
17. Social discontent
18. Physical discontent
19. Mental-health struggles
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This infographic visualizes research from Columbia Business School on the thirty-eight most common types of secrets people keep.
The categories are:
1. Hurt another person (emotionally or physically)
2. Physical self-harm
3. Illegal drug use or abuse of a legal drug
4. Habit or addiction (non-drug)
5. Theft
6. Something illegal (other than drugs or theft)
7. Abortion
8. A traumatic experience
9. A lie
10. A violation of someone’s trust
11. Romantic desire (while single)
12. Romantic discontent (being unhappy in a relationship)
13. Extra-relational thoughts (thoughts of adultery)
14. Emotional infidelity
15. Sexual infidelity
16. “Side piece” relationship
17. Social discontent
18. Physical discontent
19. Mental-health struggles
20. Inappropriate behavior at work or school
21. Poor performance at work or school
22. Pregnancy
23. Professional or work discontent
24. A planned marriage proposal
25. A planned surprise for someone
26. A hidden hobby or possession
27. A hidden current or past relationship
28. A family secret
29. Hidden current or past employment or school activity
30. Sexual orientation or gender identity
31. Sexual behavior (other than orientation)
32. Not having sex
33. A hidden preference or non-preference
34. A hidden belief (political, religious, social)
35. Finances (spending or savings)
36. An ambition, plan, or goal for yourself
37. Unusual or counter-normative behavior
38. A specific story you keep secret.
The chart arranges these items in a uniform grid with soft pink backgrounds and dark text.
Then, using these categories, the researcher polled a larger sample of over 50,000 participants.
Four categories stood out as the most common across this larger sample size:
Lies we've told (69% of participants)
Examples of this type of secret:
You told a friend you already mailed their birthday card, but it’s still on your desk.
You assured your partner that the surprise invite came after you cleared your calendar (it didn’t).
You claimed to finish that work report before logging off, even though you’ll pull a late night to get it done later.
Why we tend to hide it:
Fear of disappointing someone you care about.
Wanting to avoid conflict or guilt.
Protecting self-image as “reliable.”
Unspoken romantic desire (61% of participants)
Examples of this type of secret:
You have a slow-burn crush on a coworker and replay “what-if” daydreams during your commute.
You still check an ex’s social feed and feel a pang of longing, but never mention it to your partner.
You fantasize about kissing a long-time friend but avoid saying anything to keep the friendship intact.
Why we tend to hide it
Worry that the feeling is one-sided or could harm your job.
Fear of being labeled “not over it.”
Risk of rejection or awkwardness outweighs desire.
Sex-related details (58% of participants)
Examples of this type of secret:
You’re curious about a kink (e.g., light bondage), but clear your browser history instead of starting the conversation.
A past STI cleared years ago, but you’ve never disclosed it to future partners.
You shave a few numbers off when asked about previous sexual partners.
Why we tend to hide it
Shame or fear of partner’s judgment.
Stigma and worry it will change how they see you.
Anxiety that honesty will spark comparison or insecurity.
Financial information (58% of participants)
Examples of this type of secret:
A “just-for-me” credit card swipes quietly for streaming subscriptions and impulse buys.
You funnel part of each paycheck into a secret savings account “just in case.”
Student-loan or gambling debt sits unspoken while you tell your partner “everything’s under control.”
Why we tend to hide it
Desire for financial freedom without scrutiny.
Need for safety after past money trauma.
Shame and fear of rocking the relationship.
From The Lab to Your Life
Ready to take this insight off the page and into the real world?After looking at this data, consider the following:
What secrets are you holding in your relationship?
What secrets are you keeping from yourself?
What secrets would you be okay with your partner keeping to themselves?
This list may give you a better sense of the boundaries around secrets you feel comfortable with in your relationship. And give you the confidence to open the conversation with your partner about their thoughts, feelings, and boundaries regarding secrets.
Categorizing the most common secrets to expect in your relationship is one step, but some secrets carry higher stakes.
Let’s examine when concealing crosses the line.
Is It Ever Okay to Conceal _______in a Committed Partnership?
The answer isn’t black-and-white. However, research and clinical insights agree that certain types of secrecy are more likely to harm the relationship than help it.
Let’s break down the secrets that may be hard to disclose but are vital to the health of you, your partner, and your relationship.
Infidelity (emotional or sexual)
Concealing an affair is one of the most devastating secrets a partner can keep. Even if it was only a one-time thing, even if you've cut off contact, if you feel like you need to hide this from your partner out of self-preservation or to avoid hurt, this will continue to erode your relationship.
Research shows that concealing infidelity tends to irreparably damage trust and intensify feelings of betrayal, whereas voluntary disclosure (even though painful) at least opens the door to healing through counseling and accountability
2. Major financial troubles
Hidden debts, secret spending, or undisclosed income can feel like betrayal and undermine shared goals.
Nearly half of people equate financial infidelity with sexual infidelity, and research indicates that couples who conceal significant debts suffer steeper declines in marital satisfaction and face up to a 16% higher divorce‐separation rate.
3. Serious Health Issues
Concealing a major physical or mental health diagnosis can leave partners confused, anxious, and emotionally isolated. This also includes hiding the treatment or lack of treatment for said issues as well.
Research on couples facing chronic illness shows that open communication improves relationship satisfaction and resilience over time. In the rare case that immediate disclosure risks emotional stability, staged disclosure (first to a therapist, then to the partner) can be beneficial for both partners.
4. Ongoing Addiction
These are sensitive but vital disclosures. Hiding addiction means delaying help, jeopardizing safety, and deepening emotional distance.
When a partner conceals addiction, whether alcohol, prescription drugs, or illicit substances, the relationship often becomes complicit in a dangerous cycle: lies, broken promises, and financial strain.
Past addictions or abuses may need the support of a therapist to guide you and your partner through healthy disclosure. While timing and privacy matters, partners deserve to know if their emotional or physical safety could be compromised.
5. Plans to End the Relationship
Contemplating a breakup without giving your partner a chance to understand or respond denies them agency. Hard conversations give both partners time to understand the situation, negotiate closure terms (e.g., co‐parenting plans or dividing assets), and maintain dignity.
Gradual, honest conversations reduce shock, help each partner cope, and minimize long‐term resentments.
6. Pornography
Pornography is a fiery topic with strong opinions coming from all sides and religious frameworks. Here is what the research says about concealing and disclosing pornography use.
Research shows that when couples explore porn together in an authentic and consentual way, it can actually support sexual satisfaction, reduce shame, and foster deeper intimacy. Transparent conversations about porn use can strengthen connection.
However, secret, unacknowledged use often can have the opposite effect. Porn use is hidden, excessive, or compulsive can lower relationship satisfaction, erode trust, and lead to feelings of betrayal and abandonment.
Pornography use can strengthen a connection if it is properly disclosed, or it can undermine trust and the relationship if it is hidden.
When is a secret a sign of maturity, not malice?
Not all omissions are betrayals. There are moments when discretion supports mental health, emotional pacing, or cultural nuance:
Healing from trauma may require time and therapeutic support before full disclosure feels safe.
Consensual non-monogamy involves clear agreements on what is shared versus what is kept private.
Cultural or religious beliefs may shape what is considered appropriate to discuss.
Personal hobbies or harmless surprises (like planning a birthday trip!) don’t need full transparency.
Secrecy that’s rooted in fear, shame, or power imbalance tends to harm. But boundaries rooted in mutual respect can actually strengthen trust.
Are Secrets In Your Relationship Stealing Your Peace?
Secrets can both safeguard and sabotage relationships. By understanding their psychological roots and emotional impact, you can navigate that delicate line between privacy and secrecy with more confidence.
But if your relationship still feels off, if your boundaries are ignored, or if you feel blindsided by your partner’s words or actions, we’re here for you.
Take our free Relationship Wellness Checkup to identify signs of emotional avoidance, secrecy, or relational ambivalence.
Or join our next cohort of The Clarity Circle, where we help men and women like you move from “stuck” to clear, confident, and empowered. No matter where your relationship journey leads.
You deserve clarity. You deserve peace. Secrets are a part of life, but they don't have to rule yours.
Common Questions with Research-Backed Answers
Q: Are secrets normal or a sign of concern?
A: Secrets are very normal and aren't an immediate sign of issues in your relationship. However, the intent, frequency, and impact of secrets can be cause for concern.
If you are keeping secrets to avoid responsibility or protect yourself from discomfort, this can be a sign of concern.
On the other hand, if you feel out of the loop, blindsided, or struggle to trust your partner, this is also a sign of concern.
Q: Do I need to share everything with my partner?
A: No. Emotional autonomy, just like transparency, is vital in healthy relationships. Some thoughts or experiences may be private, not because they're shameful, but because they're yours.
The best advice is to openly discuss boundaries with each other about what you both expect to be automatically shared and what you can keep private.
If you're unsure whether to disclose, consider how this information will affect your partner. If the information (like credit card debt or addiction) affects your partner or shared future, transparency is crucial, even if it hurts in the short run.
Q: What if telling the truth will hurt my partner?
A: If it's a reactive thought, you may want to withhold it. That's where discernment matters.
Research has shown that even small irritations or preferences left unspoken can quietly accumulate, leading to resentment or emotional distance over time. When expressed kindly and constructively, even small feedback builds emotional safety.
However, delayed disclosure can compound the hurt with the betrayal of being left in the dark by a loved one.
Q: Are "white lies" ever harmless?
Sometimes. However, according to research by Levine and Cohen (2018), even small lies can lead to a “habituation effect,” which means the more we lie, the easier and more frequent lying becomes over time. And couples who regularly engage in “benevolent deception” report lower levels of emotional closeness and satisfaction.
While white lies aren’t automatically damaging, they’re rarely as harmless as we think.
Q: Is it ever okay to conceal "embarrassing" information in a committed partnership?
It depends. If the information affects your partner or shared future, transparency is crucial. However, if you're still working through things in therapy, you can wait.
Just not forever. Use the delay to prepare for a transparent conversation.
What Comes Next: The Hidden Cost of Secrets
Now that we’ve explored the many shapes secrets can take, even in healthy relationships, it’s time to ask a different question: What do those secrets do to us?
In the next part of our series, we’ll uncover the emotional, physical, and relational toll that secret-keeping can have on your own mental and physical well-being. From sleepless nights to growing emotional distance, the costs are often higher than we realize
Up next: The Hidden Cost of Secrets—what they’re doing to your mind, your body, and your bond.
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